Walking Between the Two Worlds

There is a deep discomfort I feel all the way down to my bones when somebody mentions the word death. It is almighty force that defeats the most powerful men on Earth. No matter how much we prepare, work on ourselves, no matter how conscious we are of it coming our way, we get surprised and shocked when it knocks on the door of the loved one or on our own.

 

Death is a huge unknown. Not only because we don’t know what happens with us during and after death, but because we don’t really know how to keep living with it after somebody dies. I always thought it is harder for us that stay after the other departed: we stay with empty physical space, with strange phenomena that one day the person was here, warm and alive and the other day he /she disappeared. It is very strange indeed, surreal and hard to grasp, no matter how spiritual or down to earth person we are.

 

After death of a loved one, we bounce between deep grief, sadness, depression, emptiness and awareness of our own impermanence: all extremely uncomfortable places to inhabit. On the moments we cannot find our place in everyday life, we cannot find the known and familiar sense of self. And probably we never will, as this powerful force of death changes us forever.

 

It is not only discomfort that is troublesome. Depending on how much you loved, so much your heart aches. More you loved, more it hurts. 

 

I find the mornings to be the most difficult. Once I start waking up and pulling my consciousness out of forgetfulness of daily reality, the memory of the fact that somebody I love died, creeps in. It is the moment that I don’t want to come back to and remember, the moment so uncomfortable and painful, that even the air, that touches my cheeks resting on the pillow, inflicts pain . After surviving that initial sensation, there is a deep sense of helplessness:  there is nothing I  can do about it, I  cannot change a thing, can’t reverse the time, can’t physically touch the person who died, can’t do anything so I can avoid being reminded on the painful reality. I cannot bring the loved one back, at least not in the form that I knew all my life.

 

And tears come again: first softly, than going crescendo to sobbing.  And that is a good thing: the grief, confusion, pain, lack, all moving through the physical body. After the peak, the emotion starts going down. I  feel lighter, and strangely, more peaceful. Memories keep flashing in front of my eyes, than they get colored with emotion and tears start coming up again. And knowing that never again, in this life, I  will experience physical presence, give a hug and rest in one, have familiar hands touch me and loving eyes look at me with all acceptance of this world…that knowing becomes devastating.  …Never again in this form, through this body. 

 

We keep looking for what we received from these people during our lifetime with them and  believe, at least in the beginning, that we cannot find it somewhere else. They loved, they accepted us like nobody else, and they were always by our side, through thick and thin.

 

Moments spent together now seem out of time, infinite and eternal. I find myself living in a world of past, and at the same time all IS still here. And that is the moment when other reality starts revealing itself to me.

 

Here, the journey of walking in two worlds begins.

 

Katarina