Notes from Brazil, part 2

 We don't get what we want…


Fresh and sunny morning dawned, despite profuse rain that washed plateau Goiås last night. The air is filled with delicate, and at the same time clear and penetrating song of many kind of birds that fly over light blue background of vast sky, and than down, amongst lush trees of tropical forest.
Abadiania- the last day of this unforgettable journey. Today I am heading home. Home....this place feels like a home, so I get to ask myself again the question: Where is actually my home? Where do I belong? Is it a place where you have a permanent physical address or is it a place where your soul longs to be?
That, and a few more questions are not answered yet. One of the main things I learned here is that you have full right to have any question you want, but the Spirit has a choice of answering it or not…and always on the way IT finds it appropriate. I was on a quest that started with the known doubts, necessities and discomforts but ended in a completely unexpected discoveries.
In the Casa de Dom Inåcio you have no human to blame for not getting what you want and how you want it:). You can blame Spirits only, as those are the ones running this place, giving answers (or not) through medium Joao.
So that sunny morning, at the Casa of Dom Inåcio, I was waiting in one of many lines to present myself and my questions in front of the incorporated entity. I had dutifully done whatever one has to do: meditated on issues (so they can be simply put in as less words as possible), aligned my intention for healing, picked up my free ticket in the bookstore, met with Claudio, the interpreter, and had questions translated to Portuguese. And now I was patiently waiting in the main hall, with hundreds of others, for my line to be called in. The  monitors of the Casa were helping people to stay focused on their intentions and areas of life they were seeking the answers and help. People in wheelchairs, paraplegics, cancer patients with scarfs on their heads,…people suffering on so many places in world, now all here, saving their last hope for Casa and its Entities. Poor, or wealthy, regular, crippled, terminally ill, or just curious and skeptical,  some sentenced to death by mainstream medical system, people come here from all corners of the world. Russia, Canada, other remote parts of Brazil, US, Hungary, Japan, Norway,… matter who we are, we all get equally treated and received. 
So finally my line was called in and I slowly proceeded towards the entry of the rooms where medium Joao was about to see hundreds of us today...and tomorrow, and day after tomorrow. This is how he has been living his life for last fifty years. Dedicated man, indeed.
I was getting nervous as I was coming closer and the line in front of me shorter. And finally, here  I was, in front of him with my little paper. The interpreter came closer, and unfortunately asked the last question on my list. Medium Joao answered it in a couple of sentences. That was it? What about first and the second, more important questions?
I was quickly moved as the line needed to proceed. My heart sank. All this trip for so little (read nothing)! I was not given a damn minute! I was disappointed, but nevertheless determined to get my answers. The pushy and aggressive, familiar, part of me came up to " fix" the things and make sure I don't feel disappointment and sadness.
Although I heard that you are not supposed to go in front of the entity more than once a day...well, as so common and usual for myself, I was sure I was going to break that rule. So desperate I was to make it my way and get what I want.
To avoid any inconveniences, I played safe and talked to Claudio, interpreter, for he was the only one to remember I was there in the morning (I discarded the Spirit as ignorant:). Gentle as he was, Claudio said: Yes, you can go afternoon as well.
All right! I fixed it! One more time in my life things were under control!
And here I was, at two o’clock, when afternoon session starts. I had a question distilled from two to one, translated to Portuguese and was back in line again. I'll do what it takes to get what I want. Pushing forward with my will, I appeared to be still and patient in my line.
Fast forward, I was in front of medium Joao second time today, now being sure that my answer will be granted. After all, Spirits are compassionate and understanding, they gave answers and healing to millions during last fifty years. Why would they not do it for me?
Oh, little ego and strong will tried to control something larger than all life. 
Not that I was not given a chance to ask a question, but I was told to come for surgical intervention tomorrow morning. I was gently moved towards another room to have my spiritual pass and that was it. As always, I protested to the guy standing nearby,  the afternoon interpreter, but to no avail. He told me to just listen to him (Joao) and to come for intervention. He said “it is more important”.
I heard myself screaming on inside (I don’t want intervention! I want answers!) while tears uncontrollably streamed down my face. I sat for a few minutes in the next room and soon found myself out, on the way to my pousada (hotel). I felt desperation and defeat, and angrily moved my limbs, walking fast as a I could to my room.
Yes, defeat. That is how some of us experience surrender.
I could choose not to obey. I have a free will, right? I didn't get what I wanted and planed for myself. I could rebel, something I have done too many times in my life. I could push away Divine, people, and ultimately myself - attitude that bought me to well known place of isolation for too long already. This was behavior that have caused my brain tumor in the past, broken relationships and resulted in loneliness.
Thanks God, this time, I was more conscious of the choice. One choice - surrender, that seemed to my wounded ego as an agony and defeat, or, second choice, proudly walking away, doing it my way and ending up in old pit.
This time, I chose the first option, despite the conflicting feelings. I was aware what was happening. Yeah, at least one good thing to have after so many years of work on myself: awareness. And it is just enough, no matter how big obstacles and hardships we will encounter on our way to awakening and transformation. 
Obviously, I did not get what I wanted. 
Let's see what Divine considered I it actually turned to be what I wanted.


...we get what we need



After a lot of crying in my room, I calmed down. I was getting more clear picture of what was going on: there has been a war between me and Divine since time immemorial
I tapped in infinity, time before time, when I took upon myself this incarnation and karma business. I felt longing for home, real home of the Spirit. Many times I have heard and read about it, but this time I was experiencing it. I experienced  the beauty and love of the spiritual world and wondered how could I decide to separate from it. How could I leave those beings full of joy, love and compassion, full of light and come here in forgetfulness and separation. Could't I learn things from "there" and watch "here" from distance:)? I saw how many things in this life we hold dearly onto, are such a waste of time. My parents did not have much to do with my original pain. I felt pain of leaving real home, being exiled from the world of Spirit and my longing to be there, in love and light. Being there? That same world was experienced by me, now and here in this particular location in the material world. I realized I was there and here at the same time. But I still yearend and longed for there.

Back to the "defeat and surrender” story of the next morning. 

I was back to the Casa, main hall at 7am, day after I was " abandoned and defeated" by the Spirit. With my ego bruised, but calmed down, I surrendered finally. I did not know anything. Neither why I am here, neither what is about to happen next, neither if anything at all will be revealed to me. I set in silence, with my eyes closed, feeling it all: defeat, surrender and peace. Wonder how is it possible to feel all at the same time? I have no answer to your question. 

As announcements emanated form the stage and monitors of the room reminded people that Silence is the Prayer, I sank into my depths. The inside darkness of my body gave insight to what was happening. I felt sensations in my nose and forehead, my cheek, sinus area on the right side of my face. I felt the work of the Spirits has already started, before the line was called in, even before the door to the medium room was open. I felt weak and slightly dizzy, wondering if I will be able to make it to the spiritual intervention room once my line is called.

This experience lasted for I don't know how long, as it happened out of time and space. My bodily sensations are the only proof they happened, and to me that is more than enough. I felt that  Spirits did the intervention medium Joao sometimes does to people that volunteer for visible surgeries: he sticks the instrument deep into the nostril and turns it around. I felt how that procedure affected my entire brain and went down the spinal cord. That moment, I realized how nervous and skeletal systems are the most important systems as they are like bed of a river, one side providing contact with the world of Spirit (nervous) and another with the world of matter (skeletal). At that time I perceived the liquid, crystal like energy coming down from the spiritual realms. When it solidifies, it becomes crystal stone (that is why they have so many big crystal rocks in the Casa! Even in the ground, under the property is a big bed of crystal rocks). 

And on and on it went. By the time my line was called in (and the intervention line is the very first that goes in) I was almost done with my spiritual surgery. Of course, you never know where and when the Spirits will get inspired again:). But for that day it was enough. I spent 24 hours in my room, as recommended, resting, sleeping and feeling very weak. The work continued and  insights kept coming in.

Obviously, I did not get what I initially wanted, neither on a way I planed. But, apparently, I did get what I needed. And what we need might look very different from a higher perspective of the helping spirits not incarnated in any limiting belief system.

I got the most important answer of all: the cause of my physical illness in the past, my confusions in the presence and all the obstacles I encounter, is resistance.

Resistance to surrender to life, to my calling, to Divine plan; resistance I have towards the Divine for seemingly outcasting me from the spiritual worlds, resistance to be in this world and surrender to its experiences.

Believe me, it sums up all the questions I wanted to ask that day when I was turned away. They don't even seem important anymore. The cause is much more important than any direct answer my questions could have. Actually, I would be misled by it, and it would make me stay in " fixing" mode of my life, trying superficially to make things work and life go on.

I got to the root cause of not letting go, unforgiving, stagnation, physical illness.

I am sharing all of this with you not because I have a new esoteric story I want to use to get your attention. It is actually humiliating for the ego, but liberating for the soul, to expose myself in front of others. Maybe I will be misunderstood, maybe I will be welcomed. I don't know.

It is about surrender again.

I just hope this story will inspire you to look for primary, deep cause of your discomfort or dis-ease, and not just to look for “quick fix” for apparently big problems of your life. I hope it will remind you that when things in life don’t go the way you want them, than perhaps, just perhaps there is something else you actually need.

Mangoes in front of my window are getting yellowish with rosy cheeks. They are more ripe than when I came here twelve days ago.

And so am I.




Abadiania, November 29, 2015.

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