Change in the Stillness


"Not all that wonder are lost."

J.R.R. Tolkien

Deeply gray, heavy, thick clouds are slowly moving over my head. Lying down on the sand, I watch the bird, high in the sky, brushing the clouds with its wings. It is cruising, first in a circle, than in a curvy manner, as it is finding its way towards where it wants to go. I wonder if it knows at all where it is going, I wonder if that is at all important to the bird at this moment. It doesn’t look lost, it just looks high, and free.

Every time that bird takes off, there is something inside that moves it. I wonder if it has a plan, an idea or it is just present in the moment, present to its need to eat, fly and be in contact with another bird. 
The next moment I think of my life: of its structure, demands (many of them self-imposed), expectations (my own and of the other people), hopes, desires, insecurities.  I feel I am slowing down, like those water-filled clouds, but I also feel the free bird in me. How to hold both, paradoxically opposing things:  the need to slow down, to be tranquil, and the need to move? How to be and doat the same time?  Maybe being and doing IS the same. Once you have a sense of who you are, you are flowing towards doing what you are.
When we actually live in the present moment, we do not need to know what is next. That same moment takes us to the next, one leads to the other and the river of life flows.
But, somehow, we humans, have developed this strange habit of having to know. We have to know, we have to understand, we have to own, we have to be sure. We have imbedded ourselves in a set structures, where everything is known, has its rhythm and established routine. If anything goes differently than that we start feeling fear, unsettling sensations in the body and impulsive and automatic need to hold onto that something or somebody.
And we hold, and hold, and hold…and the symptoms in our bodies, minds and emotions are getting louder. We might deny them, and for sure, that is what we desperately try do for some time, pretending that all of that does not exist.But, we can also slow down and become curious.
Pausing is an interesting phenomena. There is so much to it. Pausing just on daily basesto take a deep breath, to regain the ground, to feel oneself, to center, to pay attention to what is really going on, instead of just reacting to life (situations, people). And than we need a wider and bigger pause in our well established structure. We need a space. (for those of you who have been attending our workshops, this is fifth chakra in action).
If we don’t apply and live what we have been processing, learning and  teaching, there is not much use to it. And in real life, this takes courage.
Surrender is inevitable. Once you start this awakening path, there is no turning back. On this path we will constantly be faced with the loss of our old self, old habits, old structures. As my therapist said the other day: Saying Yes without first saying No is pointless. We first have to say no to something, in order to say yes to something else.
At the beginning, we have strings attached to No. We say no, but we re not really letting go. That means we are still in denial. And that is normal. Resistance to change is big. It takes courage. So take your time.
Unknown, paradoxically brings fears, but also a dose of excitement: small at first, one that just brushes you like a breeze. Longer we stay in the unknown, surrendering to being lost or terrified, the Divine, your own Soul will emerge and take the helm of your life boat. Passion awakens again, the one that was stifled under the set of known structures. The fears and doubts weaken and eventually disappear. We are relieved. We don’t have to, the pressure lifts and the air starts flowing through lungs again. 
We are meant to fly, flow and passionately co-create with the Divine. This life has a meaning, has a purpose and that is not discovered in a set of structures and rules (apology to rigid character living in some of us:). It is discovered in a pause, in a breath, in a space, in the unknown; when we give permission to ourselves to stop for a moment.
I again see the bird, high in a sky. I don’t know if it is the same or not. It doesn’t really matter. What is important is that  it is just being a bird, it is being itself and it is doing what bird is meant to do: fly freely.
The heavy clouds are slowly moving and dispersing. Not that all are gone, but now there is some sunshine coming through, discovering patches of blue sky.
And all of this happened in a pause.
So take one today.
For a change.

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